2019 (didn't really send a Christmas letter, so here is a new years letter...out before the lunar new year)

Hell or high water this is the year we launch a company.  App design is complete and development under way.  Jobbertunity is scheduled to launch in September.  Jane is gearing up to do a stellar job marketing the 30th anniversary of  Habit for Humanity in Bryan/College Station, as communications manager.  She has also taken on a board position for another nonprofit, Tiny Hope Village.  We hope to raise enough money to buy land and break ground on building a tiny house community to be a permanent home for those experiencing chronic homelessness in Brazos County.

Robbie was just recognized with a yellow belt in Kempo Karate and he is learning to read children's books in Spanish.  I am proud of him.  Anna will be finishing up preschool at The Family Montessori  and headed to kindergarten this year. Our little girl is baby is growing up and becoming a  little girl.  She is stubborn and sweet, articulate and strong.  She will make a good President one day. ANNA SHERMAN for POTUS 2052 

I am a little late in preparing for my fast this year, but God is forgiving and patient.  I will be headed to Big Bend State Park on the Rio Grande for some meditation and time with the Lord in March.  I pray that God will equip me with the right attitude to be humble and persistent this year.  The Lord said, remember who your boss is and I will open doors for you.  Lord I am counting on you because I cannot do it on my own.

To all my friends and family have a blessed 2019.  May this year bring grace, healing, joy, forgiveness and blessing.       

Book List

Books that changed my mind or perhaps my heart in order of publication date:

Tao Te Ching - Laozi - 6th Century BC

Gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John - 66-110 AD

The Art of Thinking - Ernest Dimnit - 1928

Man's search for Meaning - Victor Frankl - 1946

Lord of the Flies - William Golding - 1954

Battle for the Mind - William Sargant - 1957

Wretched of the Earth - Frantz Fannon - 1961

Franny and Zooey - J.D. Salinger - 1961

Operating Manual for Spaceship Earth - R Buckminster Fuller - 1968

The Soft Revolution - Neal Postman - 1971

Sophie's World - Jostien Gaarder - 1991

Built to Last - Jim Collins & Jerry I. Porras - 1994

Diamond Age - Neal Stephenson - 1995

2312 - Kim Stanley Robinson - 2012

A Tale for the Time Being - Ruth Ozeki - 2013

I am from - Poetic team building activity

I am from stealing warm gooey chocolate chip cookies,

While dodging, wooden spoon, wielded by callused hand grandma.

She never complained.

buried her husband,

buried her second husband,

buried her child,

buried her second child,

In a country that was not the place of her birth.   

Soul power skips a generation.

We dress our wounds daily.

We work as an expression of love.

We pray as a way of breathing.

I am from hand-me -downs, fixer-uppers, Home cook'n and Hard work'n.

I am from love, opportunity, camping, sports, piano lessons, choir singing, 

teachers that pushed me learn, parents who used both tough and soft love. 

Where I am from, gives context to who I choose to become. 

- Journal circa 2011 

little collection of funny poems

trouble getting up

Buzy, buzy, buzzing brain,

one might think myself insane.

I and me are hosting tea,

while future fights with memory.

It is just us so quiet down,

we have no time to laze around.

Reconciliation

I confess my confessions remain 

the same.  

In my heart and in my brain, 

nothing has changed.

My Philosophy does not save me.  

My faith does not endure. 

I give you this lord Jesus, 

I'm looking for a cure. 

Icelandic Reflections

Brits seem as out of place as Americans, 

in countries with softer languages.

I think I will bring home,

rocks and sweaters.

Short Story

Frustrated and overwhelmed, lost in thought circles, over eating, smoking, depressed and hopeless, I set out to climb the great mountain. The trail is steep, rocky, with dangerous precipices and loose footings. I drag my beaten body on with the hope that at the pinnacle I will find the holy guru. Far past many breaking points I finally reach the summit and take the last steps toward the hut of Saint Theresa Mohamed Gandhi King Jr.  

As my fist raises to knock on the door, it opens and still seated the guru asks, "Vat is your question?" I say, " What the fuck should I do with my life?" After a medium length meditative pause the guru responds, "How the fuck should I know?"  I immediately react by throwing my hands in the air and say, "You can't answer my question with a question, jerk!"  The guru just sighs and says, "Write to Dear Abby." Then after a pregnant pause says, "If that doesn't work, quit your job, have lots of sex, and take yourself out to dinner." Then more silence.

I breath in the pure mountain air and sip from my Evian bottle. The guru's eyes half close and she or maybe he (it is hard to tell) whispers...Go out and get really fucking drunk then while nursing your hangover write some new years resolutions.  I feel an anger rising inside me and I yell, " You are a god damn shame, a phony, a reclusive windbag!" The guru smiles and says, " I am a mirror. " Then disappears. The hut also vanishes and I am left looking out over a vast mountain range.  The sun is setting, painting colors across the landscape. 

-from a journal circa 2010 

Small collection of old poetry from an old journal

Reflection in Shackles 

Only self conscious in transition

While breaking tradition

Never thinking while in submission to a state

 of mind, 

of body, 

of time,

Far from sublime 

A waste of your line

Unfathomably blind

Lines I like from poems I don't

Not a priest minister monk of my fantasy

But a busted child in a man's body

Smelly birthday suit

Does skin look the same from the inside?

Spare parts to devices unknown

This shape must be useful

3 Death Poems 

1.

Beloved,

silent song,

won't be long,

Will I have fair for the boat?

two cents to put in,
will it all end...then begin?

Will I have a bone for Cerberus?

Or will I sacrifice a bone of my own? 

both joy and pain end,

rest in peace

2. 

How does it all go down?

With thunder, lightning, flood, fire and Crash!

...or during my lunch break , while I pick spinach from my teeth.

How does it all go down?

With love, fireworks, and happy endings

...or while sit waiting for the bus, pondering my finances.

How does it all go down?

At the end,

 when my work in done,

my pride is earned,

and everything is in place.

...or on a Wednesday after I've gone to bed,

 worried about tomorrow,

still mad at you.

It goes down every day.

I just don't see it,

most of the time.

3.

Waiting for checks,

to pay bills,

Bills check me.

Broke down budget.

Waiting comfortably.

Surrounded by rushed, 

tapping foot, 

shaky hand,

weight shifting nervous people.

Police lights outside say, "Emergency!"

my over caffeinated belly, but...calm,

Almost got hit by a car yesterday. 

Two haiku

Rain, Grey, Green, Cold, Wet

I don't want to go to work

warm feet, got to pee

You know bus don't go

You are mad, I'm not upset

Each day we are get'n there

excepts

No one knows what is good,

No one knows what is right,

I want to be no one.

Who will be the old man with the smile and the squinty eyes?

What do we loose by making everyone in our society into a business person?

Drifting day, loved, lost, loose

Beer in plastic glass tasty and cold

Wish you were here for the indescribable moments that are 

perfect, 

sad, 

euphoric, 

cool, 

whatever,

you weren't there and 

now I'm tired.

Strength, Power, and Courage 

are not a costume, a fashion, a look 

my actions ripple in both directions on the timeline,

my will is a pebble tossed in a placid pond,

dark thick fingers close on my world.

I am solid but bouncing within

breath...unfocus...silence

Swim without disturbing the surface,

Shift the level through displacement.

The box

-2, decks of cards (one red socks, one, photo of me and fatty as a kitten)...trash
-view finder with pic of her and I on a roller coaster...trash
- 1, egg crate flower, from when I begged for her forgiveness, after she dumped me, pre-engagement, both of us probably wish she had not taken me back...trash
- half ripped cover of her favorite book, which I read and was even more convinced that I loved her. ...trash
-small change purse, from 10,000 villages fair trade store, I bought her, she never used, with the receipt still inside.  In fact I'm not sure if I ever gave it to her.  ...give to thrift shop
- jade pendant, with silver dragon, first peice of jewelery I gave her, with some poetic speech about it symbolism. ...give to thrift shop
- the note I left on her door, that led to our first date   ...trash
-3 notes from her, that chronicle our early dating...trash
- a multi page note from me to her from the same period...trash
- 3 love letters from her on nice stationary, from early in the relationship ..trash
- type written letter from the time of our divorce, explaining why she was giving me all our old notes and love letters, also explaining that what we had was never love.   ...trash
- type written letter from our first breakup, a few years before, painful stuff, I wish I had known enough about myself, life, and her to have just let it be, rather than begging for her back, the relationship never recovered, I did not keep my promises...trash
- type written letter from when she took me back, and how our love would heal the wounds, it didn't...trash
- my journal from the time just before the breakup, the breakup and just after. Including some of the best interactions I had with my cousin who is now passed, sorry to lose these details of life...trash
- card from her during our engagement, with hopeful dreams of the future and speculation about where to go on our honeymoon, and a "grows in water" dream house...trash
- card with a picture of an African child, we sponsored a child, as a Christmas gift to each other...trash
- a thank you note from her to me for volunteering to help others, an atribute she appreciated about me...trash
- a long letter from me to her on our first anniversary...trash
- some other small notes from happier times...trash
- a note about what stuff I should take out of our house that was up for sale after our separation...trash
- my favorite picture of her in socks and sandels, wearing a mid length shirt, and a long sleeved sweater, in from a giant fiberglass dinsour, by a road side gas station....trash
- 4, letters from her to me when I was abroad for 6 months.  One containing a photo, old school selfie, actual film photo, pre digital.  ...trash
- our marriage enrichment kit, from premarital counseling and 10 children's drawning from her nephews... trash
- My pencil drawning of her with our cats, my charcoal drawing of her from one of our early dates, my first digital photograph of her....trash
- a marriage journel, in which we wrote each other notes...toward the end it was only me writing, the last note was after we were separated.  I didn't stop talking to the ghost of her for years.  ...trash
- the photo album from our wedding.  When I look at those pictures it is hard for me to believe that we were not truely in love.   ...trash
- the photo album of the pictures I couldn't part with, one she sent me, ones from our road trip, other ones from special times. ...trash
- a journal with periodic references to her, including 2 long letters, but also random notes, and lots of my poetry in it.  ...I think I'll keep this one, for now
- engagement ring, the setting was originally my grandmother's...painful, but I'll keep this.
- my wedding ring, this is symbol I'll keep to remember, although the feelings this symbol evokes are complex ...keep

Ten years since those contents went into that box.  I opened the box a lot in the beginning, then less and less, I hid the box away for a time in my brother's attic, for safekeeping.  It was no longer safe there so it went to my parent's attic.  They are planning to move to a retirement home.  It was time to empty the box.