Short Story

Frustrated and overwhelmed, lost in thought circles, over eating, smoking, depressed and hopeless, I set out to climb the great mountain. The trail is steep, rocky, with dangerous precipices and loose footings. I drag my beaten body on with the hope that at the pinnacle I will find the holy guru. Far past many breaking points I finally reach the summit and take the last steps toward the hut of Saint Theresa Mohamed Gandhi King Jr.  

As my fist raises to knock on the door, it opens and still seated the guru asks, "Vat is your question?" I say, " What the fuck should I do with my life?" After a medium length meditative pause the guru responds, "How the fuck should I know?"  I immediately react by throwing my hands in the air and say, "You can't answer my question with a question, jerk!"  The guru just sighs and says, "Write to Dear Abby." Then after a pregnant pause says, "If that doesn't work, quit your job, have lots of sex, and take yourself out to dinner." Then more silence.

I breath in the pure mountain air and sip from my Evian bottle. The guru's eyes half close and she or maybe he (it is hard to tell) whispers...Go out and get really fucking drunk then while nursing your hangover write some new years resolutions.  I feel an anger rising inside me and I yell, " You are a god damn shame, a phony, a reclusive windbag!" The guru smiles and says, " I am a mirror. " Then disappears. The hut also vanishes and I am left looking out over a vast mountain range.  The sun is setting, painting colors across the landscape. 

-from a journal circa 2010 

Small collection of old poetry from an old journal

Reflection in Shackles 

Only self conscious in transition

While breaking tradition

Never thinking while in submission to a state

 of mind, 

of body, 

of time,

Far from sublime 

A waste of your line

Unfathomably blind

Lines I like from poems I don't

Not a priest minister monk of my fantasy

But a busted child in a man's body

Smelly birthday suit

Does skin look the same from the inside?

Spare parts to devices unknown

This shape must be useful

3 Death Poems 

1.

Beloved,

silent song,

won't be long,

Will I have fair for the boat?

two cents to put in,
will it all end...then begin?

Will I have a bone for Cerberus?

Or will I sacrifice a bone of my own? 

both joy and pain end,

rest in peace

2. 

How does it all go down?

With thunder, lightning, flood, fire and Crash!

...or during my lunch break , while I pick spinach from my teeth.

How does it all go down?

With love, fireworks, and happy endings

...or while sit waiting for the bus, pondering my finances.

How does it all go down?

At the end,

 when my work in done,

my pride is earned,

and everything is in place.

...or on a Wednesday after I've gone to bed,

 worried about tomorrow,

still mad at you.

It goes down every day.

I just don't see it,

most of the time.

3.

Waiting for checks,

to pay bills,

Bills check me.

Broke down budget.

Waiting comfortably.

Surrounded by rushed, 

tapping foot, 

shaky hand,

weight shifting nervous people.

Police lights outside say, "Emergency!"

my over caffeinated belly, but...calm,

Almost got hit by a car yesterday. 

Two haiku

Rain, Grey, Green, Cold, Wet

I don't want to go to work

warm feet, got to pee

You know bus don't go

You are mad, I'm not upset

Each day we are get'n there

excepts

No one knows what is good,

No one knows what is right,

I want to be no one.

Who will be the old man with the smile and the squinty eyes?

What do we loose by making everyone in our society into a business person?

Drifting day, loved, lost, loose

Beer in plastic glass tasty and cold

Wish you were here for the indescribable moments that are 

perfect, 

sad, 

euphoric, 

cool, 

whatever,

you weren't there and 

now I'm tired.

Strength, Power, and Courage 

are not a costume, a fashion, a look 

my actions ripple in both directions on the timeline,

my will is a pebble tossed in a placid pond,

dark thick fingers close on my world.

I am solid but bouncing within

breath...unfocus...silence

Swim without disturbing the surface,

Shift the level through displacement.

The box

-2, decks of cards (one red socks, one, photo of me and fatty as a kitten)...trash
-view finder with pic of her and I on a roller coaster...trash
- 1, egg crate flower, from when I begged for her forgiveness, after she dumped me, pre-engagement, both of us probably wish she had not taken me back...trash
- half ripped cover of her favorite book, which I read and was even more convinced that I loved her. ...trash
-small change purse, from 10,000 villages fair trade store, I bought her, she never used, with the receipt still inside.  In fact I'm not sure if I ever gave it to her.  ...give to thrift shop
- jade pendant, with silver dragon, first peice of jewelery I gave her, with some poetic speech about it symbolism. ...give to thrift shop
- the note I left on her door, that led to our first date   ...trash
-3 notes from her, that chronicle our early dating...trash
- a multi page note from me to her from the same period...trash
- 3 love letters from her on nice stationary, from early in the relationship ..trash
- type written letter from the time of our divorce, explaining why she was giving me all our old notes and love letters, also explaining that what we had was never love.   ...trash
- type written letter from our first breakup, a few years before, painful stuff, I wish I had known enough about myself, life, and her to have just let it be, rather than begging for her back, the relationship never recovered, I did not keep my promises...trash
- type written letter from when she took me back, and how our love would heal the wounds, it didn't...trash
- my journal from the time just before the breakup, the breakup and just after. Including some of the best interactions I had with my cousin who is now passed, sorry to lose these details of life...trash
- card from her during our engagement, with hopeful dreams of the future and speculation about where to go on our honeymoon, and a "grows in water" dream house...trash
- card with a picture of an African child, we sponsored a child, as a Christmas gift to each other...trash
- a thank you note from her to me for volunteering to help others, an atribute she appreciated about me...trash
- a long letter from me to her on our first anniversary...trash
- some other small notes from happier times...trash
- a note about what stuff I should take out of our house that was up for sale after our separation...trash
- my favorite picture of her in socks and sandels, wearing a mid length shirt, and a long sleeved sweater, in from a giant fiberglass dinsour, by a road side gas station....trash
- 4, letters from her to me when I was abroad for 6 months.  One containing a photo, old school selfie, actual film photo, pre digital.  ...trash
- our marriage enrichment kit, from premarital counseling and 10 children's drawning from her nephews... trash
- My pencil drawning of her with our cats, my charcoal drawing of her from one of our early dates, my first digital photograph of her....trash
- a marriage journel, in which we wrote each other notes...toward the end it was only me writing, the last note was after we were separated.  I didn't stop talking to the ghost of her for years.  ...trash
- the photo album from our wedding.  When I look at those pictures it is hard for me to believe that we were not truely in love.   ...trash
- the photo album of the pictures I couldn't part with, one she sent me, ones from our road trip, other ones from special times. ...trash
- a journal with periodic references to her, including 2 long letters, but also random notes, and lots of my poetry in it.  ...I think I'll keep this one, for now
- engagement ring, the setting was originally my grandmother's...painful, but I'll keep this.
- my wedding ring, this is symbol I'll keep to remember, although the feelings this symbol evokes are complex ...keep

Ten years since those contents went into that box.  I opened the box a lot in the beginning, then less and less, I hid the box away for a time in my brother's attic, for safekeeping.  It was no longer safe there so it went to my parent's attic.  They are planning to move to a retirement home.  It was time to empty the box.

V blog 3. #jobbertunity

Update and encouragement to entrepreneurs to get out there and Pitch!

5 Min in My Head VBLOG ep2

In this episode, I let you in on what I was thinking a few years ago.  This was a brilliant idea (I say so myself) but perhaps ahead on it time (not by much though).  The Idea was so good I forgot about it until a little over a year ago when my friend from grad school reminded me of it.  I was so inspired by the idea I had forgotten that I decided to make it real.  So that is what I'm working on now.     

Fasting and Prayer

Fasting and Prayer

Prosit (May this be for your benefit)

This will be the third year that I practice a fast. The first time was during the week of my 35th birthday, which also happened to be during Holy week. I went to the woods to meet Jesus Christ.  He told me His story and it was good. Last year I returned to nature to fast on the advice of my wife and I am glad that I did.

This year I started the fasting process bit late, but I am desperately in need of the Lord. I will again go to the woods to meet Christ Jesus in a few weeks. I plan to write a bit more about the experience later, but for now I just what to write down my general process.

I hope this my serve as a guide or inspiration for others that wish to seek the Lord through fasting and prayer.

Phase 1: Removing Luxuries

• Timing: I start some time within a week after new years day removing 1-2 luxury/vice/appetite per week.  This usually involves some withdrawal symptoms, such as irritability or changes in mood and/or energy levels.  Withdrawal is usually start 24-48 hours after the stimulant vice has been removed.  Withdrawal symptoms usually last 3 days.  So it helps to have 5-7 days between each vice removal to regain equilibrium, before hitting the next withdrawal period.  
• Order: I remove things from my life in order of difficulty.  Starting with the easier stuff and moving to the more difficult, for me to part with.  I find that I have a tendency to over compensate with remaining vices on the week I am removing one.  The rough order for me is smoking, coffee, alcohol, meat, sugar, television. (TV includes non work related internet entertainment such as YouTube and social media)
• Forgiveness: I try to drop 1-2 things per week leading up to the beginning of Lent (Ash Wednesday.) The general goal is to maintain abstinence from these luxuries/appetites during the period of lent.  However if I slip up, I find that forgiving myself and getting back on the path is more effective then berating myself and feeling guilty, which in my case usually lead to more vice indulgence, not less.  This year I started late, and that is OK.

Phase 2: Preparing for the fast.

• Subtraction: It may be good to remove some other foods or habits while staging down to the fast, but this is less critical then removing the major stimulant appetites.  A step down might look like removing wheat/refined flour from the diet, removing fish/seafood from the diet, removing eggs, removing dairy, going raw, then full fast.  At some point before and during the fast abstinence from sexual activity is also important.  This is very difficult for men.  It is easier to abstain from sexual activities and thoughts if you are already abstaining from other appetites and stimulants such as caffeine, simple sugars and fatty foods. 
• Addition: This is also a time of reflection, repentance, and reading.  I find it useful to journal, read religious texts, and take an account of my life.  Adding reading, journal writing, exercise and/or meditation fills the voids from TV and other vices.  This also helps me cope with the urges to self medicate with food or other vices.
• Preparations: If not already done, then this is also the time to make retreat arrangements.  In my case that means booking a primitive camp site that requires at least a 1 mile hike in.  I go during the week not the weekend.  This way I don't run into as many people and have the ability to maintain silence for a few days.

Phase 3:  The Fast/Retreat

• Location: There are retreat centers that offer guided retreats and nice places away from home to stay, such as vacation homes, but for me I find God in Nature.  Also I prefer the mountains over the ocean, but that is not what is important here.  What is important is that I go seeking God with ardent heart.  Also that the location afford long periods of time in silence, alone with the Lord.  For the past 2 years for me that means primitive camping.  At a hike-in site, with no amenities.
• Duration: I go for a week (5-7 days), because that is long enough to get out of my head and listen to the Lord, but also probably as long as I can reasonably leave my family and work at this stage of my life.  I have taken weekend guided group retreats before and find that they are great for fellowship, reflection and recharging.  However, I always felt that I just getting to God when the weekend was over.  Also. it seemed very difficult to bring the wisdom of the mountain back to the valley of my daily life.  This longer retreat with the long period of preparation seems to help me get closer to God and stay in God's presence and Glory longer before again being consumed by delusions of the world.  From the science side, fasts less then 3 days doesn't really get you there.  It is safe for most people to fast up to 40 days without any negative medical effects. (disclaimer: I got this "science" from a documentary on Netflix that looked at studies done in Germany and Russia.  In both cases they do not recommend fasting unsupervised. What do they know?)   
• Activities:  The first year I did consume a small meal before sun rise and after sun set consisting of a handful of granola, a small apple, a clementine(small orange), and a cup of tea. Then only water during the day.  The second year I intended to do the same but on the first night raccoons ate all my food.  I did not eat for 3 days, consuming only water. My intention was to be still and listen to the Lord.  That is difficult for me.  I find that I must walk (hike) enjoying the beauty of God's creation, until my body is exhausted.  Which is usually 15 mile a day for 2-3 days, then I can sit for a whole day.  Also I read.  I asked the Lord, how will I know when the voice I hear is your voice.  He said read all four gospels in a row.  If the voice you hear is consistent with My voice in the gospels. you will know it is Me.   

Phase 4: Reentry

• Keeping in the Spirit: This is important and I hope to cover it in more detail later, when I compile my notes from the actual retreats.  That being said, here is a few tips that might help:  Leave at a leisurely pace.  Do not have any fixed plans on the day you return from retreat, so that you can travel slowly.  Stop somewhere before you get home and have a light meal and review the notes from your journal, that you kept during the retreat.  Pray.      
• Easing in: The first year I had a huge American breakfast the first day back home with eggs and bacon and coffee.  Later that day I had a cheese burger and big piece of pie. This was a terrible idea. I felt very sick.  The second year I eased back in with light meals for the first week and refraining from meat and booze for a little longer.  This year I plan to try to reverse the vice subtraction method by adding one thing a week back. we will see if I can adhere to that.
• Share the blessing: When you go to seek the Lord and ask for His blessing you are fundamentally changed.  That was my experience anyway.  Ask and you shall receive.  The Blessing is for you, but not only for you.  Your cup is over flowing and you must share your blessing with others.  I hope this helps you.  

 

5 Min in My Head VBLOG ep1

Happy 37th Birthday to me. and Happy Birthday to my VBLOG! what what!
Corny people are happy people.